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So the end of year wedding season is in full swing. With masses of couples, around the world saying “I Do!” magazines and social media carry oodles of the wedding deetz: Where the wedding took place, who made it to the elite guest list and who didn’t, worst dressed bride and how the future mother-in-law looked better than the bride, being some of the VERY important details. So with all this wedding frenzy underway, my mind travelled back to a family wedding that took place 6 months ago. It would be SHAMEFUL if I didn’t start off by saying that this was no ordinary wedding.

Now, this wedding was going to be “grand” I was told when being invited by the mum of the bride.  Those who didn’t know the couple personally would’ve thought that Prince Harry’s and Meghan Markle’s royal wedding was happening in COLOMBO! Except Harry’s and Meghan’s love story is one to swoon over - this couple’s story was sadly something else (that’ll need a separate blog).  Getting back to the details.

To start off, the 4 best men were ‘IMPORTED’ ALL the way from Australia - not pure Aussies though - only kalu suddas. The cost of the 10 tiered wedding cake with its meticulously thought out intricate details and the extravagantly beautiful flower décor must have been quite shmancy. What can I say about the WORLD CLASS butterfly dancers? Must have been trained by one HELL of a trainer for them to be strong enough to knock down all the Tiffany chairs in the vicinity. The INSANELY fun photo booth got the young and old out of their seats but left the bride and groom abandoned for half of the wedding celebration. They looked rather lost and mesmerised by how much the guests were enjoying themselves! Oh, and how can I forget? There were the self-proclaimed, award-winning make-up artists- they really did make guest’s heads turn! *Eye Roll* It sure was one EXTRAvagant wedding.

So let’s talk more about these ‘award-winning’ make-up artists.  When I walked into the dressing room early that wedding morning, I walked with my head high, confident and excited to be dressed by these fancy makeup artists. But my confidence was short-lived! See, the problem with some of these make-up artists/beauticians is that they think they are entitled to express how ugly they think you are just because their occupation revolves around ‘making people look good’.  Not that I enjoy making stereotypes- I mean, not all makeup artists are rude and not all of them make you look good. They insisted on applying enough makeup to reflect their charges! I can just IMAGINE how much money the bride’s parents had to pay these people - 5 layers of pancake foundation per bridesmaid - that sounds costly.

According to these make-up artists, I was the fairest of the bridesmaids. Unfortunately, I wasn’t fair ENOUGH, which is why I ended up matching up to Sri Lankan beauty standards-15 shades fairer…I looked like I had awoken from the Jayarathna Funeral Parlour.  I‘m not exaggerating!

And that’s not it… What’s a make-up artists’ job without commenting on your body right?

Make-up artist: ‘Chuttak mahathai neh? Darts deka thunak danna vei’ (A little fat noh? Will need a few darts.)

Me: ‘Darts? Monatada?’ (Darts? What for?)

MA: ‘Ai oya kettu wenna kamathi nadda?’ (Why, you don’t like to be thin?)

Me: … *$^#%!*

MA: Oya diet karanne nadda?  ( You don’t diet?)

Me: ‘Nah. Mama dan exams karanava.’ (No. I’m doing exams right now)

MA: Ahhhhh. *Awkwardly stares at my face for 10 seconds* Kamak nah… exams walin passe karanna. (It’s okay…do it after exams.) *sarcastic smile*

Thank you very much, mister… I REALLY appreciate your concern for my body.

Swiftly moving on… let’s take this moment to appreciate all the aunties and grand-aunties who are ever so true to their job as the James Bonds of the family. They would make their entries one by one, throw in a few comments here and there and leave. My paan piti (flour) face was pretty much the centre of attraction for the first 20 minutes, having been the guinea pig with my make-up being done first.  This wedding also provided me with a brand new identity. FIONA. My mum assured me they meant the princess. Yeah right!!

Remember the 4 imported best-men. Sadly for them, we didn’t quite match up to their AUSTRALIAN standards/expectations. Wait wait… it gets better. One of the best men's fathers actually came up to one of us and asked how come the bridal party ended up so fat when the best-men were so fit and in shape. What to do uncle? Life is unfair sometimes. Just like it was to the people who had to come across a tiny minded person like YOU in their life.

And that’s pretty much where the interesting bits end.

So what’s the point of this ranting you may ask? Nothing much really… just to entertain all you bored souls out there (Hahaha). BUT… on a more serious note, there was a very valuable lesson learnt: Do not revolve your life around material things. To be quite frank, this wedding to me, was more a show instead of a celebration of two individuals starting a new life together. Even though this particular wedding experience was not as ideal as I expected it to be, I have now fully realised the true meaning of these wise words: ‘Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted’ (Albert Einstein). Oh and another important lesson… lower all expectations in life. It’s like expecting to look like Amal Clooney and ending up like Donald Trump’s corpse. Yes, a HUGE kick in the BUTT.



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