I was a girl who was raised by a very controlling father. I often called him a control freak behind his back 😂 As a parent, now, I understand the intentions behind some of his rules and regulations. But just because I understand that, it doesn’t mean I approve of that parenting style. However, I didn’t have much say those days. I was a girl who went to a girls' only school, didn’t get to go out much with friends. Even to go to the church, I had an escort. Either my grandmother or the maid would accompany me. My dad went to extreme levels and built a 10 feet wall around our house to keep the ladies at home “safe”. LOL! So basically I grew up without interacting with any males outside the immediate family and my brothers’ friends.
As a result, I grew up a very naive girl who trusted everyone. My first heartbreak came in the form of a guy I’ve never met in person. I just saw him once in Nuwara Eliya where he managed to pass his number to me. I spoke with him for a few months over the phone and thought he was the world (poor innocent me 🤦🏻♀️). I never got a chance to meet him though. Later on I found out he was cheating on me and several other girls. The one who broke the news to me was his mom...
I couldn’t take that at all. I ended up consuming poison but puked it all out and survived to tell the story. Glad that I didn’t die 😂 Really, I laugh about how stupid I was back then. I’d gladly slap my teen self across the head if I had the chance.
Then, I fell in love with my ex husband. He swept me off my feet with his flirtatious ways. I was only 19 then. While we were dating, I had caught him several times chatting with other girls in a dirty way (sexting, cam girls, etc). But still being so innocent, I thought I could change him with my love. I got married to him when I was 21, despite my whole family being against the mere idea. I left for the Middle East to live with him. All my dreams came tumbling down from there onwards. Caught him cheating on me again and again. Whenever I confronted him though, he wriggled out of it somehow. Sometimes blaming his friends for using his phone to contact their girlfriends (lies) or sometimes even blaming me that I did certain things like changing my clothes in front of him which made him lose interest in me! WTH! I know now. But at that point I thought I was so ugly and unattractive... 😔
Then I had my two beautiful daughters and a forced abortion. I put on weight and lost all confidence in myself. I started blaming myself more and more for his behavior. Little did I know that it had nothing to do with me.
Whenever I caught him looking at slim and beautiful women, I’d feel a pang of jealousy and unhealthy hatred towards those pretty ladies... I’d even avoid going out with him so that I didn’t have to go through the mental agony. I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Even if anyone complimented me, I wouldn’t believe it. I stopped wearing my favorite clothes. I cried myself to sleep most of the days. Those are the days I don’t want to relive even in my head. The most precious lesson I learned was that every person has a core character. No matter how much you try, you can’t change that. Even they themselves find it hard to battle that demon.
Long story short, I found out about my water retention and managed to bring down my weight. (Those who have read my weight loss journey blog post on MIC would remember how I did that). With my ideal weight, came back my confident. And then to my horror, I found out about his evil attraction to younger girls! Then only I understood that I had nothing to do with his issues. Though he tried to blame it on me, it was his way of coping with his guilt. He was a flirt before he even met me. Maybe he thought that he could change his ways after marriage. But he failed utterly. I was with him for 14 years including the 2 years we dated. I gave him all the chances humanly possible. I left him after so much mental agony and so many tearful nights. If my pillows could talk....
Looking back now, I’m really sad about the 14 years I’ve lost. I’ve been crying my eyes out and hoping for something impossible. If I could go back in time and advice myself, I’d have told myself to just move on without wasting the time and energy. But without that experience, I wouldn’t be wise. And I wouldn’t have my two beautiful angels.
Now when I see pretty women, I don’t feel jealous. In fact, I always compliment other women and give them tips to enhance their beauty if needed. And now I can tell my story without crying. I’ve healed completely. It took me several years to come out of the trauma. I even used to feel guilty for breaking up with him. Until one day, an elderly lady from Netherlands gave me a superb piece of advice on relationships. I’ll tell it in her words. “Sweetheart, even if you marry a perfect and good man, if both of you are not happy together, there’s no sense in staying together. If you can’t fix it, say your good byes and move on without wasting each other’s lives!” This came from a 83 year old gem of a lady 🥰
For those who are going through the same thing, I’m not asking you to break up or move on. Go for counseling. See if you can give your partner all the chances to change. But always keep in mind that you are not the reason for someone to cheat on you unless you really did something evil. Don’t waste your precious life thinking you’re worthless.
If a person loves you, they should be able to love you no matter what you look like. Cheaters mostly blame their partner to feel better. They create a list of reasons to back themselves up. And the funniest part is, they believe that too. So no matter how much you try to knock some sense into them, they’ll be stubbornly stressing that you’re wrong and they’re right. Sometimes, they just pretend to have changed to stop your accusations. Stop beating yourself up. Be firm about what you want in your relationship.
Some women solely depend on their partner financially. Some can’t standup for themselves because of the family background or some other reasons. They don’t have a voice of their own. I know a few women who say their only escape from such a person would be death! Even if you’re in that unfortunate situation, don’t lose yourself in the battle. I know that it’s easy to say. But trust me, I’ve been there. It took me 14 years to muster up the courage to leave him. I was lucky enough not to be abused physically. But you might be facing it. Please reach out to someone. You don’t have to suffer in silence... Be it mental abuse or physical abuse, it is still a violation of basic relationship rules. Breaking somebody’s spirit and trust is the worst thing someone can do. Though the future might seem unstable now, there is still hope.
Bottom line, stop blaming yourself and stop having low self esteem. Each and every person is beautiful and unique in their own way. Don’t let the fire inside you burnout. Keep it lit and try to be yourself as much as possible. Reach out for professional help if you can.
One more mentality I’ve come across is that "since my partner is cheating, I can too". When I counsel, a few of the ladies had this notion that cheating is alright since they’ve being cheated on. A BIG NO! Cheating is cheating. Don’t make silly excuses. If you’re not happy with your partner, be frank and try to work it out. If you can’t, please be honest, breakup and then start a new relationship. I’ve come across several cases where the married woman falls for someone else while still in the marriage. They call it "giving a taste of their own medicine" 🤦🏻♀️. You’re being used by your new found lover, you moron! That’s a totally different topic. I’ll be writing about it very soon. Till then, take care and stay safe!
Remember, “Cheating is a choice. Not a mistake”. You’re not responsible for someone else’s evilness.