I never realised how useless the manual would be. The countless parenting books and google links that were read and which never helped in times of a crisis or otherwise. I never realised how frustration could be so overwhelming or what physical and mental strength really meant until I became a mother. It's been tough and it still is. There are days that the crying happens after everyone leaves home and there's a pile of work to be done when you wish that you could just take off somewhere without having to make arrangements at home.
Many said 'better in than out' during those pregnancy days (as a joke I suppose) although the feeling still creeps in sometimes when life throws more than just curveballs. More like those ball machines actually where you have to keep hitting non-stop. The hateful words thrown at you by your pre-teen and teen while you fight back the tears and return the yelling knowing deep down that this is not the right way to handle things only to feel guilty later.
I never knew that it would keep getting more difficult and that relief would come in tiny pockets of time while having a shower, sitting in the loo, or on short trips to run errands alone or in the few seconds of peace just watching a tree.
I never knew how painful it could be when you strive to do it all and yet never hear a thank you but get something caustic instead or a ' you must have lots of free time' comments. Yet we mums learn resilience, the art of war, the ability to negotiate ridiculous fights, time management, organizational skills and the incredible ability to multitask like never before. Get every last minute assignment done, show up at school meetings, sort meals and snacks, fix homework dilemmas, sort those last minute notices asking you to send things that you can never find last minute, having to explain why no means no, being told that you're a horrible mother, taking care of extended family for some and holding down paying jobs for others. To be a mother and a wife. To have to pick up after everyone endlessly. To attend social events, to keep your chin up, to smile and laugh when all you want to do is hide in a hole sometimes.
I'm the tired mum but the one who doesn't show it. I'm the brave and strong mum who teaches her daughters how to hold life by its lapels and give it a good kick when needed but who needs a shoulder herself to lean on more often than not. I'm the mum who speaks up on behalf of other mums who are scared to use their voice but wish that someone would listen to her little problems too. I'm the mum with the big smile because smiles make people happy but also come after long cries like a rainbow after a heavy shower. I'm the mum who checks up on other mums because they need someone and I can help by being there. I only wish there was another for me.I'm the mum who teaches my girls that they can be anything they want to be and yet get frustrated when I cannot just do things I want to freely without extensive planning. I'm the mum who loves my kids to bits but who needs a break. I'm also the wife who keeps asking to not be taken for granted and yet the process repeats after a few apologies. I am the super mum who needs stronger wings. I am the mum with the torn cape.